he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Blood and glitter go together right?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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