No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
