Umm I'm too high to move.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
