You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
