apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
