Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
