we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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