How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
