By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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