I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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