last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize