By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
