My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
