i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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