i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
