i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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