I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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