I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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