I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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