Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
