How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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