Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize