it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in