fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.