ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.