I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
sarcasm needs its own font
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
