While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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