HIV tests are more positive than that guy
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
