so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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