He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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