There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
