Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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