you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
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You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
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Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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