remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
