"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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