I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
