My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The best revenge is premature balding
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
