put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
