got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
