Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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