Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
