my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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