Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
