I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
