I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
