when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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