does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
