2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
