bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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