i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
