I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
