he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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