He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
