Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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