I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
