Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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